My mama and I have as complicated a relationship as any other pair of different yet similar kinfolk do, and it’s been further complicated by choices both of us have made. I fled home as quickly as I could in my teen years, trying to put distance between me and the overwhelming murkiness of our family’s unspoken tensions, but, not surprisingly, much of what I did as a young adult was in reaction to the kind of person I perceived my mother to be.
That rather cryptic admission aside, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I live my life, what sorts of values I want to pass on to my children, that sort of thing, and it’s with growing appreciation that I’m realizing how many of those values, most of which I’ve arrogantly given myself full credit for coming up with, were things I learned from my mother.
Tolerance is a good example. Two of my mom’s favorite sayings were “Isn’t it wonderful that we’re all so different?” and “Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same?” I used to look at her in annoyance, thinking that no, it would be a much better world if people were more like me, which just goes to show that it was me that must have been more than a little difficult to tolerate at times. Patience is a virtue that I wasn’t born with, but it is something my mother has buckets of. She’s also the least judgemental person I’ve ever met. I have to work hard at non-judgementalness, because of my tendency to believe so strongly in what I do. She’s able to have a good time, my mother, and has always been able to put things into their proper perspective. “Like water off a duck’s back” is the way she put it when I wondered aloud why she didn’t Do Something Already about an irksome comment or an annoying event. Gak, I would think, she’s so…..so….so…..PASSIVE! There was no way I was ever going to be like that. It’s only taken me 25 years to admit that big chunks of my life would have gone much more smoothly if I could have let at least some things go. My mom never fought for her place, never demanded what was rightfully hers, and as a young girl, it angered me. I now have a greater understanding of what she faced, and I admire her for her resilience.
‘There are two sides to every coin”, my mother would say, and it’s with that in mind that I’m gaining an appreciation for the things that I never understood about her life.
Beautifully put, Bravo.
Well said… Mothers are interesting creatures and we are them now. Mine also can well drive me around the bend, but I see things through her eyes now and understand a little bit of where she was coming from now that I am raising the four boys.
Hope you are well.
Arrgggh. Isn’t it frustrating to find out that mom DID have a clue to what she was talking about? I eat crow on a weekly basis it seems with things I’ve said to my mom (especially in my teen years, oh hormones. )
Thank you for trying to understand my perspective of how I see the world and why I did what I did when you were growing up in a household with a lot of unpleasant tensions for you and your siblings. I can’t change the past and did only what I thought was the best for you at that time. Of course with the perfect 20/20 vision hindsight many things could and should have been handled differently.
However, having said that, I cannot turn the clock back and change things that happened in the past, no matter how much I might want to, and it is my opinion that we have to accept the person we are presently and try to be happy with our very own personalities. So I think it is advisable to enjoy your very own, your very special personality and celebrate who you are and face the present and future with confidence.
In short, accept who you are, move on and make the most of your present and future life. Enjoy who you are!!
Love Mami
P.S.: Always trust your gut-feelings. They are a great help!
wow, how lucky you are to have realised all this while you still have your mom with you. My very similar realisations only came afterwards, after she was gone, taken suddenly, stolen in the night.
She will never write me a letter like your mom wrote you here above, something of which I am so very jealous.
In just a few short weeks I have learnt so much and come to appreciate my mother more than I ever did while she was here, and now this is my burden to carry, my cross to bear for all the days of my life, because I can never tell her these things. I can never thank her, can never tell her I love her one more time. I can never tell her that so many of the things she taught me I am now teaching my son, and I will teach these same things to my little daughter that was born on her birthday, just one month after she left us.
Enjoy your mother, give her a big hug for me, for those of us who can’t hug ours and just hold onto that moment and never let it go.
Your writing is beautiful.
Thank you so much for your comment Tammy. My heart goes out to you, and I appreciate your words of wisdom.