Eight and Ten

These two.

I think it’s the age that they’re each at, the age in which they’re trying to sort out how much personal power they have, compounded by a developmentally appropriate obsession with rules.

It all adds up to a whole lot of fighting.

They can’t seem to get through an entire board game or even a simple game of crazy eights without one of them stomping off in a fury of tears. Then, while the hurt and angry one is wailing in his/her respective room, the other one comes to me in smug and conspiratorial tones to tell me how ridiculous and immature and unreasonable the upset was. I’ve told them that I’ve noticed that competitive games seem to end this way with them right now, and have suggested that they stick to more cooperative ventures, but even games of imagination inevitably fizzle out in struggles over who gets to be this character or that character. One of them invents a cool new way of hopping on the hopscotch carpet, and immediately, the other one tries to do one better, or points out how the other one’s foot crossed the line, and the fun devolves into squabbling. They seem bent on winning points in the eyes of some unseen judge. Who’s faster, who’s smarter, who’s idea is better, who gets to have their way.

I’ve tried sitting down with them and having each of them say what their perspective is on a particular issue, in the hopes of allowing them to air their grievances and helping them find a solution to the crisis-of-the-minute, but they resist coming up with solutions. Crazy as it sounds, it seems as if maybe they need to do this right now, as if it’s serving a purpose for each of them in developing their senses of self.

How to get my way, maybe. Or how far can I push another person and still get my way. Or, on a more fundamental level, can I get what I need in this family?

It feels like they’re pushing me to take sides all of the time, something I refuse to do.

It’s taking a lot of patience to be witness to all of this struggle without just stepping in and dictating solutions, but my gut sense is that what they need is the opportunity to go through it and still have me steady and calm and non-reactive. I think that they need to keep on testing out what they need to test out, until they’ve satisfied whatever deep internal questions they have about themselves and each other, and that my job is just to keep on loving both of them.

Without rising to the bait, and without getting so annoyed with the nasally shrieking and over-the-top dramatics that I get all heavy handed.

I’m thinking that this might be the summer of good, long runs.