For a long time it has seemed to me that life was about to begin – Real Life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid – then life would begin.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
~Alfred D’Souza
Seems to me that I’ve read variations on this Aha! moment fairly often, and I guess that’s because, damn it, it’s true. There isn’t going to be at time when I’ll feel that I’ve finally made it, things won’t ever be done, finished, stable, ready, feeling all nice and tidy. I’ll never get to a nice flat place on top of everything. I won’t ever have it all sorted out to my complete satisfaction. One thing gets managed, two more pop up, and several other unrelated concerns arise. New information just begets a whole pile of new questions. The more I learn, the more I want to know. Get to where I think I want to go and find out that it’s just one step on an even longer path. Slog up a hill, and crest the top, only to see yet more hills in the distance. As soon as the kids are out of diapers, THEN I’ll have time for X, Y, Z. Except that by the time they’re out of diapers I’m a single parent and having to juggle 5 different schedules with one ancient minivan. There will never be a time when I finally get to that place, that place where it all feels perfect. I’ll keep struggling and questioning and wondering and managing and laughing and weeping and then I’ll be dead.
Now that I’ve finally accepted this as truth, I realize that I have maybe forty good years left ( and that’s if I’m lucky) , and that fills me with a sense of urgency. I want to really use this time, my precious time of being a conscious human being alive on this planet, not just let the time pass.
…so what might your parents be feeling with, if lucky, having may be no more than 10 good years left to live? That for them the time left on this earth is getting shorter at a very fast rate? Can be scary thoughts!! So lets just enjoy the moment and live life to the fullest, make the most and be concious of all the every day joys, may they be small or big, be aware of the good things in one’s life and take the bad with the good, realize the journey towards a goal can be as important and rewarding as reaching the goal itself, smell the roses, don’t forget to laugh, humor is so very important in life, it defuses anger, fear, frustration and creates good feelings… in short, stay positive and let all the negative feelings be short-lived and DON’T dwell on them, instead learn from the past and move on to the future… going through and surviving bad experiences will make one a stronger person… well, hear you have it… take joy in being alive and well… With love, Oma
I read this a bit ago, but was having trouble formulating a coherent response.
I think, even if we get just a little bit of what we need to fuel our fires right now, we will have achieved some sense of deep satisfaction. I don’t think it is good for any mother, particularly formerly high achieving mothers, to not have something of her own to nurture, to be proud of, to delight our souls.
I think, having something like that would help stave off these feelings of urgency. I think of my contributions to the world – the work I used to do, the mothering and advocating I have done for my girls, the writings I have written – are not inconsequential things. I wish to do more, and continue to add to my curriculum vitae – my “course of life”.
My friend told me once, when I lamented about being “just” a stay-at-home mom, after achieving many things in the clinical biosciences field.
“There is a HUGE difference between a curriculum vitae that I would prepare and present to a potential employer and my biographical curriculum vitae.
I have to protest your assertion that you are “not achieving a whole lot right now…to add to a pretty extensive curriculum vitae.”
Sometimes I forget that everything I do is important to someone in some fashion. Sometimes I forget to remember the wisdom of my friends.
As my girls grow up, I can do a little bit more of that. I already have more time than I did 3 months ago. Not much, but a beginning to carve out a future plan, and I’m starting to believe I can very soon live the life I desire.
i find it really difficult some times to balance out that sense of urgency with the patience necessary for really being present with the children. it has gotten easier, as they’ve gotten older and as i see them thriving and developing and growing into themselves because it makes what sometimes seemed like a sacrifice very worthwhile, and it gives me the space to finally put some of that energy back towards my own goals.
looking back at the whole picture (especially after seeing the outcome) is easier than living through the day-to-day of it.
for me it was really difficult to maintain a coherent sense of my worth and value when i wasn’t getting any outside recognition for my efforts. it was very, very hard to keep providing that for myself, and very, very easy to start second guessing myself and my decisions.
i think a lot of women go through this in one way or another, and that we should talk about it with each other so that we don’t fall into the trap of feeling like we are the problem and that we need to be fixed….