You know how it is when life is humming along just fine on one level, and really, everything is fine, except that underneath, it’s really not?
That’s how it is for me right now.
The kids and I have things worked out so that everything hums along pretty smoothly when they’re here. Everyone gets where they need to go, birthday parties are attended, winter clothes are bought, good food is cooked and eaten, we have our own special routines, our own special rituals, we celebrate good times and we make time for getting together with friends and family. They have their own rooms, their own stuff, their own lives, they have relationships with each other, and we have a sense of the five of us as a family.
And yet, there is an underlying issue that isn’t being dealt with, that we all know is an issue, but that we never speak of. It affects them, it affects me, and it affects my relationship with them. I hadn’t realized until last week how very profoundly this issue has constrained my relationship with my children, because the not-speaking about this one issue has not only forced an unnatural constriction on what is eligible conversational material, it has also restricted the flow of feelings around here. I hear about the kids’ feelings on all sorts of topics, but not this one. We all know that there’s sadness and anger and confusion, and we all know the source of it, but I haven’t felt that it was something we could talk about because it wasn’t going to be changing any time soon. I also, rather densely, thought that it was something that could be partitioned off, and that it could be forgotten about when it wasn’t an active concern. I have nothing to do with it, I can’t change it, and they don’t need to hear my two cents. Or so I thought.
By not talking about it with them, by not actively helping them to come up with a possible solution for the source of their anxiety, I have colluded with it. In my efforts to protect them, I have stranded them. The reality of their situation is still there, and they are dealing with it, even if I give them shelter when they are here.
This became startlingly clear to me by something that happened last week, and I have been mulling it over ever since.
Not sure what the outcome will be, not sure yet how things are going to change, but I do know that they have to.
I thought that I was doing the right thing, and maybe for a time, it was the right thing, but it isn’t any more.
Secrets in a family just aren’t healthy, no matter what the source and no matter who they are meant to protect. The cost of keeping them outweigh any benefits of not knowing. Because on some level, everyone knows anyway.
(Secrets on a blog, on the other hand, are necessary. At least in this situation. Which limits the amount of advice and help I could have received. Which is a bummer.)
I’m just reflecting on my own feelings towards my mother when I was growing up now that I’m an adult.
I’ve always sensed that I would have been able to handle the truth about my family’s situation (divorce and subsequent remarriage), if only my mother would have trusted me enough to talk with me about it when I was older and started having difficulties with her. Instead, I was forbidden to talk about or ask any questions with regards to what happened between her and my dad, and why my step-dad and her didn’t get along either.
Oh, I’m not necessarily saying she had to share the gory details, but even trying to explain what happened and how she felt about it, other than anger and resentment. I think she tried to render herself immune to any emotions other than anger, because she would then be vulnerable.
I think she despised being vulnerable, but in warding that off, she caused a little more harm than being honest about how life was for her. I think I would have had a lot more sympathy for what she was going through (trying to raise 5 kids), and even though I couldn’t have solved her problems, I would have understood why certain things had to be a certain way and I wouldn’t have been so angry. Having the truth of how she felt swept under the rug really didn’t do any of us any good. The reality is that she thought we shouldn’t know, or rather all we should know was that my dad was the biggest jerk ever, and it hurt us kids.
We tend to think of our mothers as all-powerful, and it’s difficult to think that they shouldn’t be all-powerful all the time. But in reality, I think seeing how a mother handles some of the difficult aspects of her life and carries on in spite of them shows the children that they will be able to do the same should difficult times befall them.
I try to keep open communication with my children, and I weigh what I think they are mature enough to handle and dispense just enough of the truth to see how they react, and answer any questions if they ask as honestly as possible.
For instance, I told the truth of what happened to my daughter’s first grade teacher who is very sick with cancer. I told her what she had, what it meant and how the doctor’s were working hard to heal her but really nobody would know the outcome. At school, they are very hush-hush with the students (understandably) but I wanted to be truthful because if her teacher should pass, I wanted her to have some time to process it and not just have it sneak up on her. My oldest took the news just like I thought she would – she was sad for a bit of time, but bounced back from it. She has since made extra special cards for her every few weeks. We continue to have conversations as she needs.
We even watched an episode of Arthur (The Great McGrady) where the lunch lady was diagnosed with cancer. It was a way to open up some more conversation.
So maybe you might want to talk to your children, one at a time, and tailor the conversation to each one. Allow them to ask questions but if you aren’t sure how you want to approach the answer or you don’t know the answer, be truthful and tell them at this time you don’t know.
Best wishes. It will be okay. Kids are pretty resilient and usually very forgiving for parental mistakes if the parent owns up to their own humanity and makes an effort to amend them.
…the above response reflects my very own, looking-back- perspective on just about same situation you were experiencing with your own parents when you were growing up…
yup. this post could have been written by me. Reading my wn circumstances into the ’scenario’ of emotions you paint, i held off talking to my irls a while about stuff witht their dad not becasue i felt they werent interested or it shouldnt be taked about but it was so difficult for me to maintain myself in such a dialoue. a) i may get emotional and lose it and lose control of the conversation b) i felt at their age this may be scarier c) i didnt trust myself to be able to put a rational opinion across to trump my feelings of betrayal and anger d) trying to engage in a balanced discussion which is full of big picture stuff is hard when youre in the midst of ‘it’ and cant really see wood for the trees. Sounds like you just hit wood n trees mate! Now you can have a discussion.
Additionally, as a child from a family of secret keepers, you hit it, yes, they know anyway and the truth is not as bad as some make it out. Yes, it forces maturity and knowledge when we want innocence, but that really is a modern concept of luxury.
I just wanted to clarify that I didn’t mean to imply that what my family went through is what you are going through (your situation may be different).
But, regardless of whatever it is, perhaps you’d feel stronger dealing with things in a family counseling situation. Sometimes involving a dis-intersted third party would help to alleviate some of the stress, or help explain things if you find it difficult to.
The other thing I was wondering, do you have anywhere to turn for support for yourself. I’m a big fan of talk therapy, simply because it helps to unload, cry, analyze, have my perceptions challenged/broadened in a healthy way.
If you are struggling to do this on your own, you are making things unnecessarily hard on yourself. You do owe to yourself to find a person (friend or professional) in which you can safely process your fears and concerns, whatever they may be.
Best wishes with this. Truly. You are a strong woman and I know it’s hard to face the challenges you face, but I believe you can do it.
…I also believe in talking about things, eventhough I find it hard to do so myself (with emotional uninvolved, non-family parties it is easier for me to talk!!)…I believe it helps to get thoughts organized, perhaps even to gain a new/different perspective…
thank you all for your comments…i need time to process them…and my thoughts….
I just want to say good luck ..either is a tough road to go. I wish you all the best
thanks rhonda..