Posts Tagged ‘single parenting’

june 12 2009 014

Today was just one of those days.
I felt overwhelmed.
The garden, the yard, the to-do list, the messy house, the dirty fridge, the worries about the future. Not knowing how it’s all going to turn out. Not knowing if I’m doing it right.
Four growing children.
What the HELL was I thinking having all of these kids?

Today was no different than any other day, really.
Except for my attitude.
Same house, same car, same kids.
And yet, there I was, sick with a sense of fear that I wasn’t really up for the job.

Maybe it comes from being a solo parent.

Maybe if I get the inside of the car cleaned out I’ll feel better.

Or maybe I should just go to bed and hope that when I wake up tomorrow, it’ll be a better day.

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Well, they’re off to the lake for two weeks with their dad. Which makes this less of a team effort and more of a solo project. That being said, this blog started out as a way for the kids to publish their own work, but like all of the ideas I come up with and try to foist on to them, they lost interest almost immediately, so it’s been mostly my thoughts all along.

I’ve used the blog as a way to document the journey that I’m taking with the kids, and as place to work through my own evolving thoughts about homeschooling, which then led to my thoughts on other things, often parenting related, but sometimes not, and I’m considering the idea of changing the title to reflect the fact that it’s just me, but then again, homeschooling really has been a team effort, so I’m not sure.

I miss the kids when they’re gone, but I have to admit that sleeping in is pretty marvy.

photo credit: all taken by the kids with L’s camera

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For the last week or so there’s been the faintest off odor in the living room, which I sort of attributed to stinky socks, or maybe stinky couch smells being intensified by the humidity, but oh my goodness, it’s gotten much more noticeable today. It smells like an open can of rotting tuna fish. I sniffed all around, and I’m sure it’s coming from the couch. Inside the couch. I’m absolutely convinced that we have a dead mouse inside the couch.

R is just as squeamish as me, but I forced him to hold the flashlight while I poked between the cushions with a stick. Then I got L to help us heave the whole thing up on it’s side, and she performed exploratory surgery on the underside while I held the flashlight. Nothing. It totally reeks though, and I have to find the source of the smell.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

On the positive side, I now know where all of the ball point pens disappear to. I found a fistful under the couch, along with an assortment of socks, toy cars, marbles, and foam craft shapes. I left the couch up on it’s side. I hope none of the kids gets crushed underneath it in a sleepwalking accident tonight.

It’s times like this that single parenting sucks. I hate dealing with mice. I also hate dealing with heavy pieces of furniture. I’d take doing laundry any day over searching for dead rodents within the bowels of a sectional. Gak.

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Today the kids and I got lost in the woods. I think there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. Something to do with my current anxiety about having to make a decision that will affect all of us, the being on the crossroads and having to choose a direction. Not being able to see far enough ahead to know which road will take us where we want to go. Having to choose anyway.

Then having to be the strong and patient leader who keeps the morale of the troops strong even while piggy-backing the tired-legged, crying, not-so-light youngest and carrying a sloshing pail of pond water and reassuring that same youngest that no, we would not have to camp out in the woods overnight, that yes, mama did think we would eventually find our way out, and that no, we definitely would not die of thirst or get eaten by wolves.

Maybe the lesson in our getting lost wasn’t about making the one right decision. Perhaps it was more about the way we handle the decisions that we make.

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….the highlight of your day is having time to clean.

I cleaned out the snack cupboard, the entry closet, AND the two drawers of the Messy Counter (it used to be the messy drawer, then the messy drawers, and then the mess crawled over the entire counter.) Jay was busy playing “art factory” with her friend, Tee was busy feeling sick and moaning on the couch, and I had done what I thought was a heroic amount of outloud reading, so I embarked on a little tidying. I had intended on fixing the upstairs toilet, but when I couldn’t manage to wrench the doodad out of the whatsit I had to channel my frustration somewhere.

If only I could find the time to do one extra little job every day, on top of the usual dishes/laundry/picking up/driving around/making meals routine. THEN my house would be clean. I would love a clean and organized house.

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Facing My Phobia

It’s mouse killing time.

I’ve been reluctant to use live traps on my little rodent visitors, because they make my kids cry, and because I abhor the idea of dealing with the stiffened bodies, but ever since the back of the under-the-sink kitchen cabinet was cut away to deal with the frozen water pipes a month ago, I’ve had signs of mice everwhere. Last night I heard rustlings and scamperings somewhere inside my kitchen, even when I was in there, with all the lights on, making loud, scary banging noises. This morning I saw evidence of mice on plates inside the cupboard, and scattered amongst the tea towels in their drawer. Uggh.

Right after dinner tonight I set a mini mousey guillotine up under the sink and baited it with extra stinky cheese. Just now I heard a snap. I shudder at the thought of going in to the kitchen and opening that cupboard. The only other time I killed a mouse this way the mouse and the trap were 3 feet away from where the trap had been set, and there was a gruesome trail of blood over the floor. In my horrified imagination, the little mouse had gnawed off it’s foot and then died of blood loss, but as it turned out, he bled out from a scalp laceration.

Now I have to be extra brave and go face what I’ve done. I need to dispose of corpse #1 and re-set that trap.

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